Einstein may have been the first human to propound on the ‘Theory of Relativity’ but it is us evolved turtles who discovered that time is relative in the multiverses that exist. There is human time and then, there is turtle time. Hours and hours of human time may be just a fraction of minutes for us, but these humans don’t understand us at all. I was uprooted from my lake because this big blob of mass with eyes and ears wanted a Master Oogway for his house as I supposedly bring luck. Tell that to my mother who thinks I am a sloth!

Efficiently placed in a bag, my human takes me to what looks like a place to buy things. A grocery store? My cousins, Ninja Turtles, told me all about their escapades in the human world and I soaked their knowledge like a sponge lest I need it for myself one of these days. Who’s a sloth now, Mom? Bright lights welcome me as my human unzips the bag and leaves it on the floor. I quickly scuttle about in the aisles, doing pull ups to reach one of those shelves. Here’s all I did, in human time, recorded for convenience:

1:00 a.m.

CRUNCH! My feet land on some glossy packet and I duck for cover in my shell. Ooh! I like the sound. Chips, it says on the cover. I push it on the floor with every ounce of energy I have. We have to buy this!

1:15 a.m.

What is this mirror? Why do my eyes look so big? Why is it not moving? My hands just clink on the surface and there’s no crunch! Cola, it declares to me. I don’t like this one. I shall come back later and knock this one out!

1:45 a.m.

I am pretty quick. It just took me half an hour in human time to reach the adjacent shelf! My feet land on something soft. Oh, sweet pebbles and carrots! It’s a chocolate. So moist, almost like velvet.

1:55 a.m.

I see my master. He looks around frantically for me but I pose myself as an empty shell in the candy section. Nice save, genius!

2:10 a.m.

I cannot be trusted with grocery shopping! I want it all. Do you remember that stupid cola bottle from before? Turns out, it was glass and I knocked it over. My master looks at me with exasperation and I think he’s ready to throw me like those Cadbury Gems balls I just rolled over. I narrow my eyes and telepathically convey in my sweetest voice, “You know it’s illegal to keep me here, right?”